Yesterday was our first teaching day during Infusion, the program YWAM LA is running for high school students, and the teaching was on Identity. The girls had a few women speak to them about beauty and their Identity in Christ. I have heard different teachings on this subject a few times now by different people and it is always been encouraging and had in impact on me. However this time as I am sitting listening to one girl speak on how she has believed lies about herself, I thought about the lies that I believed about myself, or that I used to. And I found an intersting thought in it all.
I have always struggled somewhat with the way I look, most girls/women do. However it has always been a constant battle in my head on whether I was pretty enough for someone else. Well I guess the day that I got married proved that to be false as I had found someone who loved me for who I was/am. Even still, going soon into my second year of marriage I find that I have continued to struggle with the one area of my body that haunts me the most, my tummy. Since being in about 6th grade and being asked if I was pregnant by some stupid boys at the pool I have been somewhat self conscious ever since. I have since then (aside from now actually being pregnant) been asked on a few other occasions if I was, thus pushing me backwards into feeling even more worse about myself. I have always tried to hid my tummy with clothing that wasn't really tight, or I would wear shirts that would draw attention away from it. It has always been something that has frustrated me and has made me think less of what I look like. However like I said before I had a thought during this teaching... As I am currently into my 6th month of pregnancy I am more than comfortable in wearing shirts that are snug fitting, and reveal that I have a tummy, and I am loving the fact that I am not stressed about what my body looks like as it is natural for me to look this way. But when I am no longer pregnant it won't be considered "natural" (by worldly views) for me to still have a tummy, thus making me think already about how I am going to loose the baby weight and fat I have gained. Why can't I embrace the body that I will have then like I do now?
I know that I have been made in the image of God, and that I am beautiful (without that sounding like I am full of myself) but I struggle with the idea that I will fall back into the trap of thinking I am not good enough, or my body shape and type just isn't right. I hope that as I continue down this path of life that I can become even more comfortable in how I was made, instead of fretting over it daily.
You are far ahead of me, Mallory. I've just, in the last year, learned to be comfortable with my own hair colour, having been told before that it was "mousey brown" and having felt too, like a mouse. And now, fine too that I can face the world if I feel like it without makeup.
ReplyDeleteThose hurtful comments in school can stay with one for lifetime. Mine happened when someone spray painted on the school wall outside, "Grace Bodnaruk looks like John Lennon". I was the homeliest, I felt, girl in the school and a very late bloomer. And no white go go boots and mini skirts for me. I had to wear my skirts around my knees, though I would hike them up once I got around the corner from the house. Oh, the insecurity of that time, just wanting to fit in and not be noticed.
Now, in my current job, I've learned to be okay with myself, hair under a black beanie hat, white uniform.... I think I look goofy. I do look goofy! It doesn't matter, they still like me! Me is me, even better without the worry of what I look like. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the window at work and have to grin at what I see. And true, sometimes I just sigh.
I do hope that you become more comfortable in your own skin, much sooner than I did. You are loved, beyond words, for who you are. The outer package is amazing too, unique and oh, so beautiful, with your smile and warmth.
…and yet you’ve managed to embrace your physical self oppositely because you’ve found a point of view that resonates with something you value –> tummy = pregnancy. Ironic isn’t it… and yet you ‘expect’ to go back to the former mindset…. hmmmm
ReplyDeleteExclusion can happen to anyone, for any reason so it’s important to understand the dynamics behind that. Humans are visually cued, we base almost our entire sense of survival on what we see in the first 5 seconds. Recognize that change is also accompanied by loss and vice versa. We know we need to examine the value systems we hold and personally too, examine what to our own minds makes us worthy and work on those aspects of ourselves, that takes work. While it’s possible to change our physical appearance to please ourselves - even though it still means that one is actually judging - I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing because it goes to being self aware (a form of peace making, because it too requires changing one’s pov.) and also helps us be more aware of our impact on others and on how relating occurs, the whole ball of wax. As long as we are willing to take responsibility for our thoughts and actions and that in doing so it will give us something to work on, momentum will take care of the rest.
.... when someone says to me….oh your beautiful daughter looks just like you, I have to stop myself from saying No she doesn't (so as not to offend my daughter) just because I’ve never thought and do not think of myself as ‘physically beautiful’, part of me scoffs at the notion of beauty standards. While I hope my children will look below surface at values and spend more time developing true nature, it’s also true that I've changed physically quite drastically from my youth to my middle age. I did not like my physical self as a child at all, I still do not like my upper arms or thunder thighs! – I still see the chubby girl I once was when I look in the mirror, there she is. I’ve learned to dress around my ‘defects’ nothing wrong with that. I’ve learned to embrace grey hair by being slightly less gray and more blonde – easy. More importantly and supporting those things I’ve learned to embrace more healthy-to-me-diet motivated because of my experience with illness. In short all these changes were because of events that were meaningful to me, in this way I cannot discount my physical self. I recognize that I’ve grown and am still growing and becoming a whole new person through life events and also by directing my reactions to them and specifically to my choices. I make sure I am cognizant of my thoughts and my choices. I believe we all have the opportunity to grow and change. Never stop growing and changing.
As for your tummy fat – yes very likely if you had it before baby it will be there after baby is born –but there ARE things you can do. Everyone stores fat, it’s essential to our well- being against starvation, so we need it, because it’s a symptom of a larger and more important health indicator. Food digestion presents this to us overtly in what we see our body’s becoming, as well as exercise, but mostly food. Pick up a copy “The Zone” – it has to do with heart and diabetes health…fat stored around one’s middle is connected. There is another book recently published called “Wheat Belly” (information on Google).
By way of finding out which foods do not work well for you genetically speaking (we are all predisposed in our own unique ways) digestion of nutrients and efficient use of them is everything to our health. So by discovering and personalizing your food by finding out and replacing food that doesn’t work with foods that do work for you, will make a difference both to your body shape and to your general health. Make yourself stronger and healthier just by changing what you buy and eat also changes how your physical brain works as food controls our moods and thoughts as well, thus mindset adjustments and empowerment can work via making very basic day to day changes.