Thursday, January 8, 2009
alone in the world
Today I felt all alone in the world. I'm not entirely sure why, I just did. I felt like God was bringing up things in my mind in which I knew I had done wrong, let people down, let myself down. Making me think all day about why life is the way it is sometimes. I watched one of my best friends try on her wedding gown, getting ready for one of the most joyful days of her life, and longing for a warm hug from the one that I love, and needed most to tell me its all going to be all right. Why is it that life throws curve balls at you and you don't know what it is you just know that there is something there that is weighing you down? Once again I'm back at school for another term, back at work, and trying to figure out my future. The stresses of money, grades, work, and everyday life weighing me down like a thousand bricks. I know that I have a good life, I know that I am truly blessed, and that I do take for granted some things in life in which I shouldn't. So then why, I ask yet again, do I feel this way?
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Don't know much about reality :)except that for the times I feel I am truly alone... oh blessed relief!!!..just kidding. For those times I feel separate from everything except the dark infinity of the universe, instead of hyperventilating like I used to, I now acknowledge the feeling, the emptiness, picture myself sitting on top of the earth with nothing above but the dark, cold starry endless universe, me shivering and knees huddled to my chest, until I am ready to come down off it and enter back into the endless madness here on earth. Whoops, rewind those last few words. Record...I tumble into a field of flowers and cats and dogs chasing their tails and each other and butterflies extracting little pots of floral essence and infusing the air with them on their little wands and there are happy hearts floating around until gradually my focus becomes clearer and I return to loving and nurturing myself back to the present knowing that I've been there to eternity and back and survived and it's okay. I take that little trip less often than I used to. So be alone with your aloneness M. when it happens, the knowledge of it may evoke a stronger connection with others around you.
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