passions, homeless, mine mine mine, and the size of a pear

I sit here, contemplating what to write. Writing has been a struggle for me since being back from Belize. I find that I don’t have the words to say what I want or the right words to say it. This week has been long, and interesting. Perhaps that’s why I don’t know what to write, there was just so much. Perhaps I shall start back to a week ago today,exactly actually, to the hour….

Through a skype conversation with someone, I was asked what I was passionate about. We were talking about the church and my abilities within ministry. It was funny to me that I had been asked that as we had just done a week on finding our passions, but then again I know the person had read my last entry on that, so perhaps it wasn’t that funny at all. Anyways I started off about how we need to be loving to everyone, and that people need to be treated as equals, no matter their race, financial standings, education level, etc. I then went on to ranting about how we need to be pulling people of all categories, if we were to categorize them, into groups together. We need to be putting the old with the young, and the young hearted with the old hearted, the rich with the poor. There is so much that we can learn from one another, and we limit ourselves all the time when we put ourselves, intentionally or not, into these “safe” groups. I realized at this point that I had a lot of passion towards people being treated equally and fairly.  Now lets jump to today a week later, as I am driving down the off ramp to turn onto the street to come home (in LA) and there is a homeless, older black man standing there. Immediately my heart broke, he was so sweet looking, and I longed to give him something. Within 20 minutes I was back at the intersection with food in hand and Marshall along to give it to Leone and to just show him some respect, as I am sure he probably feels he doesn’t get much. It was at this point, I felt God whispering to me, “hey remember how you love the homeless and how you have longed to just be there friend and help them out?” I had forgotten how much I enjoy sitting down with someone on the street and hearing them, their story, just showing them love through listening. I needed that passion to be revived again. Now, I am longing to go out there and just do homeless ministry, and ahh LA is such a good place because there are so many homeless people. (Not that that is a good thing, but compared to home I don’t have to look that far here). I hope that while I am here I can go and serve the people there, give them water bottles and sandwichs, muffins and coffee, I don’t know I just  want to love them.

Okay back to this week… 

I have been struggling a bit with the living in community thing. Perhaps its because I am pregnant and the little things bother me, but in all honesty I don’t think it is! I try my best that I would prefer others before myself, and it has been so hard watching as others don’t do that. Maybe I need to say it right out, oh wait I have already said the prefer others thing this week. Bah I think it just bothers me when people jump right to something and say “Its mine” kind of thing, instead of saying “hey does anyone mind I would like to do that/have it..etc. Perhaps this doesn’t make sense, perhaps its only me, but I was taught that I should offer the mashed potatoes to the other person before I take for myself. Okay okay, I know that you are probably thinking, “yes but sometimes its okay for you to take the potatoes first”, and I sometimes do, but when it comes to a lot of other people I like to put myself second. Lord would you help me to overcome this, and would you tell me how I should deal with it should I feel this again.

Well, this week will be week 16. Our baby should be moving around a little now, moving their little fingers and toes. In the last 4 days it has been amazing how I have gone from feeling slightly pregnant, to feeling large, aware that there is another person inside of me, and spreading my legs as I bend down because the fat that was once my stomach is now hard and a baby. I am slightly overwhelmed by it all, and feeling like this is actually happening! Am I ready? Are we ready? I am so fearful for something to happen, to loose this little baby “bean” that is within me. I already love “Bean” so much, and I know that there is more love that will come once I see their tiny precious face.

O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
 You see me when I travel     and when I rest at home.     You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.  You go before me and follow me.     You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!

 I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
 If I go up to heaven, you are there;     if I go down to the grave, you are there.  If I ride the wings of the morning,     if I dwell by the farthest oceans,  even there your hand will guide me,     and your strength will support me.  I could ask the darkness to hide me     and the light around me to become night—      but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you.

 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!     Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.  You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,     as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.  You saw me before I was born.     Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
   They cannot be numbered!
 I can’t even count them;     they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
    you are still with me!

Psalm 139 1-18 

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